The Journey To Falling In Love With My Future

"There are far far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

- C.S. Lewis -

When dealing with mental health, (depending on certain people) it can be a burden to our whole entire being, We have to fight to get out of bed feeling like we weigh either 1,000 lbs or got hit by an 18 wheeler truck. this heavy, thick, thing, just holding us down. It can be very discouraging.

For me, it has taken everything away from me, my security, my hopes, my dreams, my peace of mind, my desires, and it took away my hobbies, my outlet where I find joy in. I can't feel any of those, it's like I have become numb to those things, as if ... I just don't expect anything any more.

It took me sometime to search a new dream. Before, when I was younger, I was pretty restless, always outgoing, always laughing. (wow.... I miss that Natalie.) I had big dreams and imaginations, I was so optimistic about life despite my hardships and struggles in life.

However all of that is gone now, I'm a completely different person, you're suppose to when growing. Now im at a point in my life while the question remains, where do I start from here? it has been a journey to look for a new dream.

In order to fall in love with my future self, I must first have a dream, visualize that dream, and visualize it to the point where I can believe it is already mine.

over the past 5 years looking back I can tell you my new desire and dream that I would like for myself now.

To be honest I crave for peace, I don't want the busy fast life, or being in the spotlight. I desire a slow-living life style, I want simple, I want peace, I want my future life to be my safe haven, to be in complete security and peace and at one with myself, I'm going to try my best to tell myself every now and then that I am worthy to have that, that I DO deserve to have that in my life, it's my right to have peace.

I am very much intrigue with slow-living right now, the serenity of it all! I'm hooked watching these slow-living youtube videos! It's very tranquil it seems. minimal everything. I wish I can do that, I desire to do that in the future, because I have too many clothes, shoes, and just stuff that I don't really care for. I want to just be free and clean...... you know that feeling? almost like a spiritual thing, but we need that freedom to feel clean in our actual real life as well.

Slow-Living looks and feel like a classic fairy tale to me. For me I desire to live in a cottage and a cottage that has a porch if possible so I can sit outside and watch the sunset while drinking hot tea. A fireplace so I can sit and read or listen to my favorite books, cook vegan meals in my kitchen, exercise and meditation, lots of bubble baths and candles, doing crafts, color, aroma therapy, spend time with the Lord, I want to.... just be. Live in the moment, in the presence. Just be.

The surrounding

The environment I see is nature, almost as if I am living up in the mountains, I see lakes and glaciers of somesort, waterfalls. I want to be able to smell the air to know its going to rain just like the desert at my grand parents place at Fort Thomas in Arizona. I see myself walking through the forest just marveling at the trees and the sky, closing my eyes and feel the perfect breeze, and free from mosquitos! I see myself also in the forest just picking up pine cones, sticks and twigs, moss from stones to use for crafts.

I saw this lady on youtube from Sweden who I am obessed watching, she was balancing stones, I want to try that it looks so peaceful when she does that so I want to try to do that and see if its really that relaxing.

The next question. Do I want to be married? if so, what would that look like for me?......Of course it is a desire for me to be married however, I'm good either way, meaning im not desperate for one.

If by any chance I find a man that changes my universe, I would still want that quiet slow living life, and I wouldn't mind if my husband happens to have a fast life because of work. I would want him to be able to come home for him to feel calm and relieved he's home, every time he comes home I want to make my presence and our home, a place of rest, peace, and comfort. I would love to be a home maker, but still have income on the side, I would like something so simple that maybe one day this blog website, I can get paid for it, teach english online from home. clean, cook, decorate, get involve with the community and go to ladies group meetings, or start one myself.

From my travelings, I would still love to travel, and I have grown the desire to be a mother, maybe not have one of my own but adopt. My heart ache for that adoption when helping with a missionary foster family to look after this little baby name Champ in Taiwan, and it was in Taiwan that gave me my first introduction to go walking in the mornings through mountains and beaches, I fell in love with the scenery and the nature.

To be married and be a mother in a slow-living lifestyle, I hope I can still look good doing it.

And even if I don't get married, that's okay to, still doesn't mean I can't do them for me, make a living and still get involve with ladies group, or be a mentor and be a single mother through adoption. If I stay single, I want to still be at peace and content with myself, to genuinely be happy even if its just me and God, I want to feel secure and at peace with myself. basically I want to look like this lady below.

The next question is, what will I be doing now to get there?......... Honestly I have no idea, I first want to overcome my fears, over the past 5 years I developed and got diagnosed with separation anxiety. It's like I have become a child inside and all of a sudden I'm scared of growing up, I don't want to leave my mom and dad, I'm scared of them dying one day and I get that ache and sad emotions I felt as a child just thinking about it even though they are alive and very much well, I even have a hard time thinking that way about Bruce-Lee who is my dog but is literally my child, my baby, and my dog is also fine right now, I want to stop thinking about the future like that, the future is not even here and I'm getting anxiety over it when I shouldn't.

I want to overcome this separation anxiety because this affect even in my relationships, for example, if I make a good friend, in my head I put this guard up high so no one can get to close, because I'm always thinking in the back of my mind, you can change your mind about me and not be my friend, or ghost me out of the blue, so instead of getting hurt Im just not going to expect anything from you or anybody.

I don't want to feel this numb. I want to feel something worth while, but in order to get to that, I need to over come this. Take it one day at a time. That future I want, can be mine one day. I want to be happy and content.

That peace I crave and desire, is because my head and thoughts have been all over mentally, I'm mentally tired and that is why I am drawn to the future I want in slow-living, so I can just have that peace and calmness in my head.

The future me I see is very happy and the way she smiles you would see the peace in her smile and eyes, I can see myself getting into plants and wanting to grow them and talk to them, I see myself in the future full in serenity, The future Natalie looks ...... she will look like the type where you can see wisdom in her face and you want to hear and listen to her story because of her vibe. I can't wait to meet her one day

What does your future look like to you? start dreaming.

"Your are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream."

- C.S. Lewis -