My Late Night Thoughts, Battling Through Mental Illness.

Would it be safe to say that I fear for my own life? It is 3 in the morning as I am writing this, I am filled with so many thoughts that is my worst enemy. It is the first time that I feel concern for myself.

It's been about a month where the idea of suicide plays with my mind, and I am fighting it. But today I feel something new that I never experienced before, I feel worried and scared for my life, I want to live but will I make it?

I feel my heart racing, my anxiety is paying me a visit. I am filled with sadness inside, but this sadness is different. I feel sad for me. I been 7 months clean from self-harm and I don't tend to give in.

what is troubling me? the hope in the future is troubling me. if you read my story of suicide attempt survivor blog, you know a glimpse of my background of what I battle with and for how long. Now I am concern for my future.

why am I concern for my future? I will tell you. I been looking forward to the future to start a new and to be what I have always wanted to do and that is to be a teacher. I been using the future as a tool to help me continue with life, that my life is not finished yet. There is still more adventure ahead of me to look forward to.

But recently I discover new problems that I have from the damage that has been done unto me. because of my PTSD, I will never have a normal relationship as I would like to have like every normal person without being triggered or become very far, distant, and not in the present.

what man would want to be with someone like me that have this problem? I be too much of a burden. Good thing my ex, whom I will always love so dearly, don't have to put up with this and got out while he still can.

Because of my chronic depression, I don't know how long I will fight this. You see, I thought I would be okay since I passed the age of 27 which is the age that most people commit suicide, and now that I am 30, I can learn to just live with it. However I come to find out something very disturbing that makes me so scared for my life. This journey is not over completely for me.

Statistics shows that women between the age of 45 - 65 are more likely to commit suicide. I cry, because I can easily see myself being part of that statistic and I don't want to be.

I have loved and lost and maybe to never love again, which will lead me to be alone, with no children in the future. Around this age of 45 - 65 both my parents will be dead and I can easily see myself struggling of what is the point to live anymore?

I don't want to deal with this, nor live in fear of this. But it is something that I must be aware of, that in the future 15 years from now I have to fight harder and sometimes fighting is so exhausting. mental illness is very exhausting and you are never the same again.

Mental Illness has been heavily ignored by so many people, its time to not ignore it and help one another, because I sometimes need help and to be encouraged of why I am valued.

This month is mental health awareness, we need to stop ignoring it and stop treating it as a taboo subject. our brain is an organ and just like any other organs in our body that get sick, we treat it. Our brains can also get sick and need treatment.

If you are suffering from mental illness, please keep up with the good fight. I know its exhausting, but we are in this together. I have to believe I am here for a purpose, that I have a destiny to conquer. You do as well.