I Am A Suicide Attempt Survivor.........Am I Really Though?

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall, Why Am I Still Here?

You may be wondering how or why? there are some things in my past that I can not openly make known to the public of what had happened to me as a child however I can assure you my mother and father knows.

My childhood was a living nightmare to sum it up shortly and I began to think of suicide at the age of 7 wishing I was never born. I never want to re-live my childhood ever.

Time went on and at the age of 16 my depression got worst. what did I do? I began to physically harm myself to distract the pain that is within. I also felt so confused as to why I felt this way; it wasn't until the age of 19 when everything I had blocked as a painful memory as a child unblocked itself somehow.........I went mad.

I didn't know how to handle this situation again. I went to therapy and even girls group therapy, I did everything to try to help myself, but the need to self-harm became an addiction for me.

what I had to get through at that time in order to fully begin to heal was first I must forgive my abuser and let it go and then allow myself to heal and to even grieve and bring the inner child in me to come out and cry.

For a while I was actually okay, but somehow I became so insecure at the age of 22 and I had to work myself of finding security within myself.

Again after dealing with the healing, life continued and I was fine again however at the age of 24 something strange started to occur in my life.

I started having PTSD from what had happened to me as a child, I started to get nightmares, stare off in a daze being frozen because a memory is playing in my head and I am re-living it.

By this time my parents still had no idea; I was suffering completely alone carrying this burden alone and crying in my room wishing my mother and father could hold me as I just cry.

The PTSD just kept getting worst as I age more with in time.

After a serious major real heart break at the age of 26 I went back to self-harm and I couldn't take this deep depression anymore from my childhood that followed me to this age so I went to the doctor to see if they can put me on meds.

Because I never been on one, the doctors had to send me to the physic ward to do testing for meds, I have never felt so isolated and alone, they put me in a room where my roommate was a young lady who had really bad schizophrenia.

I would think to myself "Im not crazy!" and then quickly second question myself "am I crazy and don't even realize it yet?" 3 long days I had to endure it and I was finally let out on my 27th birthday.

Ever since then I haven't really celebrated my birthday and don't want too, it just brings many hurt memories for me.

I was finally on meds for anti-depressant, anxiety, and pills to help me go to sleep, I was diagnose with severe chronic depression, melancholia depression, PTSD, basically I have a severe chronic mental illness and its very real.

At one point while I was going through this at its heights I wanted to bring awareness that this could happen to anyone and its me saying help, I need a friend.

I got a lot of negative response, most people thought it was me begging for attention instead of me trying to survive and talking about it, I even had family members from Chile that would call my dad to express their concern which to me was just them gossiping.

I had one cousin who wrote me a message not asking how I was, whats really going on, are you okay? no, she just simply wrote trying to give me the "solution" to my problem by simply saying I need to forgive. She had no idea what was really going on.

How can anyone understand when you been dealing with this your entire life all on your own? carrying this heavy burden all on your own? She meant well but she was in the complete wrong.

If anything these negative response only led me the desire to commit suicide even more and believe me, I tried.

At my university I tried bleeding to death with self-harm only to fail horribly at it. I took all my sleeping pills at once to overdose, just to sleep and never wake up; I still woke up feeling even more humiliated and depressed that I even woke up. I even took all my meds. By some miracle I was still alive.

I hated myself even more every time I woke up alive.

I failed at living life, and I failed at taking my own life the very thing your are suppose to be in complete control of, and somehow I have failed miserably at even taking my own life and it makes me feel even more hopeless.

Even when I try to fight for my life my mind is in constant battle and I feel so hopeless that I can not help but have a mental breakdown not knowing what to do. I wanna live yet I don't want to live at the same time.

Here is a glimpse of what really goes on in my head.

• "just do it then you can be free and leave this world."

• "no! don't! how can you see the result of what could happen next if you just take your life?!"

• "I can't do this! I am not lovable, no one really loves me! look at me? I am disgusting, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I have scars, and a past no one can ever know because no one can handle it but me!"

• "you can still have a future for something better, just make it through this one day. just take it day by day, all you have to do is just wake up and we can take it from there."

• "I don't want to live another day please just let me die! let me go!

• "no! please don't go! live! just live for one more day!"

( I stare at the pills )

• "just get it over with, take all of it and maybe I can stay asleep forever this time."

• "no, don't. I can't! what about mama?!"

(Then I stop. break down in tears and can't go through with it.)

• "your such a coward, you can't even take your own life! your pathetic!"

• "why?! why can't I do it? I am a coward!"

Pretty intense in my head and thats only the tip of the ice berg, wanna know whats really messed up? at the time I had 2 college roommates, and what they said behind my back is really sad.

One said "I think she's being melodramatic, its not that serious."

The other one "*sigh* why is she even here? why can't she just leave? obviously she is not in her right mind to even be in college."

I honestly don't know why I am still even alive because most people online didn't care, and even in person having a breakdown and trying over and over to die and people still didn't want me in their environment they didn't want to reach out and help or even care for me.

Only 1 friend genuinely cared and wanted to fight for me, I have seriously put her through hell and back. Vivian is her name and she would constantly check up on me in the middle of the night losing sleep to make sure I was still breathing. she even called the ambulance when I was bleeding from my wrist.

A friend that would cry for me, a friend that was scared for my life. she was another reason why I try to fight everyday to just simply live even when it hurts too much. who would care if I died? my mom and Vivian. that is one of the reason why I am still alive and still fighting for it. I at least matter to someone.

I am still struggling to just live, the fact that I am still even alive boggles me. I really should not be alive and the fact that I still am is still a miracle; that I am still even making this far at my age.

Because of the negative response I had online, makes me sometime suffer in silent even more, no wonder people are committing suicide, they can't even talk about it without people replying in a negative way by avoiding the topic and saying "I can't deal with you because I can't surround myself with negative people, I want to have positive vibes." yes I had someone online say that to me once.

So instead of posting or sharing on social media or even make it known to the public. I put on a mask once again for everyone else sake.

I would go to work with a smile on my face bringing joy to everyone when in reality I am sad and alone inside. I go home in pain, self-harming sometimes to comfort the pain i feel inside and cry to sleep; and the next day at work no one has a clue how sad and how I constantly struggle to make it just one more day.

This is how sad and twisted my mind really is, two year ago my car almost got flipped off the road, it should have rolled over. I was closing my eyes embracing death just completely ready and at peace with, when the soil sand on the farm land I went on stopped the car from flipping over. I was completely bummed.

Just recently my mom said "good thing your not working anymore because your tires were balled and it was about to explode, it wasn't just a matter of time, it was a matter of WHEN. Natalie it was your two front tires imagine you driving and it explodes, your car would have flipped off the road and you would have instantly died thats how dangerous your tires were."

In my head I was like damn it I missed that opportunity.

See how messed up my mind is? but than again having what I have gone through and enduring what I endured as a child that no one knows completely about, who would blame me? I am even surprise I am not completely insane but I might as well be.

In Conclusion

I am a suicide attempt survivor.............am I really though?

Those of you who are reading this, take the time to really check on your strong friends because you never know who is really struggling. here is a link to give you info on different types of depression to have a better understanding of what your close family and friends might be going through.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/types-of-depression

"All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how

broken you really are." -Robin Williams-